Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Over lunch one day myself and a doctor friend (who shall remain anonymous, hereafter called “Dr. Angus“) devised a challenge to their resourcefulness and medical knowledge: diagnose, then cure or treat common illnesses and ailments using items found around the house. 

Let’s start this series off right with Basal Cell Carcinoma. 

Basal cell carcinoma (BCC) is the most common form of skin cancer. It can be destructive and disfiguring. The risk of developing BCC is increased for individuals with a family history of the disease and with a high cumulative exposure to UV light via sunlight. — Wikipedia

Hot Media Mess Okay, basal cell carcinoma. Go!

Dr. Angus The important thing about basal cell carcinoma is that you gotta get out the crap at the bottom.

HMM Like the stuff underneath the surface?

Dr. A Yeah. So, first thing I’d do is wash it off so it’s clean with soap and water, or rubbing alcohol. Rubbing alcohol would be better. 

HMM Okay.

Dr. A So, then you gotta lop off the top, so get your trusty pliers and a paring knife, lift it up just a little bit, and then using the paring knife cut it off, while scooping it out a little bit. Don’t go too deep—you just want to get the top off. 

HMM Okay, how do I know that I’ve gotten enough?

Dr. A When you lop off the top part that sticks above the surface, that’s only the beginning. The important part is what lies beneath… Once you have the top off, that’s when you gotta get the stuff off the bottom. Then you take a potato peeler, and using the coring/tip part (for gouging out the eyes of potatoes) you scrape the bottom of the hole you’ve created in your skin. As you’re gouging out the bottom, when there’s cancer in there it’ll be sorta mushy and it’ll come out easily.

HMM Nasty.

Dr. A So you scrape until it stops coming out easily.

HMM Okay.

Dr. A That’s all you gotta do to get rid of the cancer part; now you gotta get it to stop bleeding. Take a nail head that’s about the size of the hole you’ve created, and heat it up so it’s really, really hot—over the stove or an open flame. Then push it into the hole to cauterize it. 

HMM Isn’t “sterilizing” something over a flame impure? Doesn’t that add burning/particulate?

Dr. A Yeah, but not usually enough to make a difference. 

HMM Okay, so I’ve cut off the top, scooped out the cancer, then burned the hole shut. What’s next?

Dr. A Just gotta keep it clean—wash it with soap and water, don’t scrub off the scab, and make sure to watch out for others. 

HMM Ingenious. Thanks for that! I think we’ll have to devise something more challenging for your next Medical MacGyver. One last question: is there any situation you can think of where someone should actually try to do something like this?

Dr. A Absolutely not. You’ll end up with a horribly disfiguring scar and potentially a horrible infection, since you’re not using the proper tools.

HMM Fair enough. 

Common Sense Warning: DO NOT BE AN IDIOT! The ideas, thoughts and procedures described in this post should not, under ANY circumstances, be attempted. This is a funny exercise in idiocy folks—not actual cures and treatments for real diseases. If you try any of this, you’re an idiot. Don’t be an idiot. Do not try anything in this post.